BETA NEEDED PRONTO, PLZ

[jedibuttercup]

*bursting into tears*

It's done. It's done! 3,900 words representing the next (but not, alas, the last) chapter of backagainharry. You have no idea how many times I've rewritten this segment; I knew how it had to start, and how it had to end, but trying to keep the character voices in character--!!! (I'm quite out of love with Remus Lupin now).

I swore off LiveJournal until I got it done, but now it is, nearly a month after I promised it, so--

Anyone want to read it over for me, give critical commentary? I fear I've lost all perspective after this much editing. (Just drop me a comment, and I'll send you the sekrit link).

Thank you. Much love and apologies!
~

Comments

[beatrice_otter]

Woohoo! I'd love to help, but alas most of my HP knowledge comes from fanfic and the rest comes from the movies, so if you're looking for feedback other than squee I can't help. (I read the Sorceror's Stone, once; I think I read parts of a couple of the others in the series.)

We've missed you; it's good to have you back.

[izhilzha.livejournal.com]

I wish I had time right now to help you out! But I've got deadlines in both RL and ficcing, so. :-(

Glad to see you back, though. *hugs*

[lily317.livejournal.com]

I doubt I'll be of much help for the editing, since English is not my first language, but I would gladly share my thoughts with you!! (and I read your fic more times than I can count ^^")

[jedibuttercup]

I would really appreciate any commentary you might have. =)

My concern is not so much for spelling and grammar, it's characterisation and whether the plot is moving smoothly enough and so on. Let me know what you think!

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

[lily317.livejournal.com]

So! After reading this about 4 times, I have quite a lot of things to say ^^ :

Well, I was surprised about Remus' "dreams", it is a great idea, because that way he knows a lot, but not everything… right? ^^ If he has those because Harry used the Resurrection Stone, it could also mean that Sirius has dreams as well... I'm very curious to know where these really came from... ^^
I also like the idea of Harry realising that Remus doesn't deserve to be treated like a mere "instrument" to free Sirius, that he had had his fair share of suffering and pain for all these years as well. It’s so true, people tend to forget about Remus, poor him… :(

The main criticism I might have is that I find Remus incredibly accepting as to Harry's behaviour.
Even if Harry did have those "dreams" as Remus thinks, and even if he was a genius, there's no way 11-year-old-Harry would have enough maturity or even knowledge of the wizarding world to understand everything he saw, analyse the situation better than Remus (not-so-perfect Dumbledore, not-so-safe at the Dursleys, the whole Fidelius/Secret Keeper thing...) and convince Remus to NOT tell Dumbledore, who is the one everyone admires and trusts to do the right thing. Doesn’t Remus find it strange?
After all, at that time Harry is supposed to barely know what magic is, and he already uses "Accio", a fourth-year spell, without Remus suspecting anything.

Also, there’s a big contrast between Harry in the past chapters, in which he always acted so cautiously, planned his next steps very carefully, and Harry in this chapter, blurting out everything to Remus, from the Prophecy to Voldemort’s comeback, Dumbledore getting cursed… It is rather unsettling, but I suppose Harry put himself under so much pressure he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore and began panicking, but it does feel rather sudden (even though apparently Remus already knew all about it).

And of course, the scene with the Marauder's Map was great XD, and the ending is as frustrating as you certainly planned it to be ^^

Anyway, it is great to hear from you again, we finally know what the ambiguous "What have you done?" is all about, more mysteries come up with these weird dreams, a new much-needed-ally for Harry appears, all in all, very exciting chapter ^^ (sorry it was so long! ^_^")

[jedibuttercup]

Your criticism bit in the middle--

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I had such a hard time writing this chapter. Trying to balance the early, very buttoned down, nonreactive Remus (he hardly even raised his voice until the Shrieking Shack show-down, and never told Harry anything) with the very emotional person he was by Deathly Hallows. Trying to work out how much he knows versus how much he's dreamt. Since Harry was already very impatient and in a high emotional state when they ran into each other, I had to factor that in, too.

Maybe I can wedge in a few more hundred words about how Harry's reacting to "hey, he actually knows some of this, I'm not alone!" and some of the "a bit skeptical, but willing to let this play out" attitude from Remus-- because this is the Remus who was willing to let "serial killer Sirius Black" roam the castle for an entire year despite knowing perfectly well how he was getting in, without telling Dumbledore a thing.

(There'll be more fall-out from Remus at the beginning of the next chapter over some of the things Harry blurted that he hadn't fully processed by the cliff-hanger moment, though, definitely. And the dream thing has much more purpose than just getting Remus on his side, too.)

*tapping chin thoughtfully* Thanks for the criticism, I really appreciate it.

[jedibuttercup]

Okay, I've tweaked and expanded it a tiny bit, mostly starting where Remus mentions the dreams.

I put some of Harry's blather into thoughts instead of speech, and tried to make Remus a little less-- totally accepting. If you have a second, could you check it and let me know what you think of the alteration?

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

[pronker]

It's a great feeling to finish a challenging fic, but a bad one to fall out of love. Hope that changes.

Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

Might as well put my latest re-read of the whole series to use, grin!

Funnily JK Rowling complained several times about haviung trouble keeping Dumbledore in line!

Re: Happy to help

[jedibuttercup]

Here you go:

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

You might have to copy and paste it into a text program like Word, but there it is. Thank you! =)

Re: Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

You have got Lupin's voice very right given how little source material there is in original. It's why I won't touch most Lupin (or Snape) fanfic - most people don't "get" the character and go in directions that feel all wrong based on canon.

The Harry outburst needs tighening up some how. It just feels too long and somehow out of character. (I have spent my morning reading all of BAH to get the feel of what you were doing as opposed to what JKR was doing.)

But the chapter flows smoothly on from the previous chapters and apart from feeling that somehow *Harry* has drifted off channel a little with the break you've had in writing, it sits well.

Like I say you are brave to tackle Lupin and not surprising you hae ended up not liking him much at the moment!

Re: Happy to help

[jedibuttercup]

I tweaked it just a little bit on lily317's criticism of the same portion, shifting some of the blurting over to thought and more fully explaining some of Harry's thought processes and Remus' being so accepting.

If you have a second to look at the changes-- it's really mostly the part after where the dreams are brought up and before the twins burst in-- and let me know what you think? I'd appreciate it.

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

Re: Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

That is a bit better

On a first thought, you still need to strengthen that paragrapgh about security. Perhaps put in some description of Remus' expression or body language, to make it clear that this is an issue that causes him to doubt his trust in Dumbledore and that Harry's comments enhance this existing doubt. Also so comment from Remus that would explain *why* the motivations for his action in Book 3 in not going to Dumbledore. We have what JKR gives us - not wanting to break Dumbledore's trust but you also need to give a loyalty/doubt here.

I will keep thinking about it overnight. See if my dreaming brain can come up with anything!

[brendanm720.livejournal.com]

Welcome back!

I've read the draft, and I have the same reservations that the others had.

Lupin sounds good, and Harry's pretty close to how I'd imagine him in that situation acting.

I didn't read the first version, but the second is pretty good, I think. I do agree that Lupin seems a little on the trusting side. I think the reason for that is that he's been thinking some of the same things that Harry mentioned -- at least where James and Lily are concerned. It's not terribly evident in the text, though. I seem to remember there being ravenous bugblatter beasts reading this over at the den of evil... So be prepared to ge jumped on.

Harry might also want to watch which spells he performs in front of whom. Lupin will catch on, and the twins should be impressed that Harry can do spells that they themselves haven't learned yet.

But I'm sure you knew that already. :-D

[jedibuttercup]

Yeah-- Harry's always known the spell thing would catch him up; he's been trying to CYA on that, but it's still early days. =)

*pokes at chapter* I'd like to erase as much of these wrinkles as I can; that's why I put it up for review here before actually posting it. I've been really struggling for some reason.

The main three tasks of this chapter were to (a) reveal the dreams, a plot-element that has been planned for ages and will have other repercussions later; (b) somehow keep Lupin from blurting everything about it to Dumbledore, and (c) set up the bit with Quirrell's name on the map, since the Quirrell storyline really needs moving along. (b) has proven to be the major sticking point, and the one I need the most advice on.

Do you have any ideas on what I could do to make the chapter feel more satisfying?

[brendanm720.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm.

The sticking point -- "B" -- is a doozy.

I'm not sure what you MEANT it to look like, but as I said before, it looks like Lupin has been thinking some of the same things as Harry when it comes to the whole James/Lily secret keeper thing.

And I think that the way he reacted to Remus' suggestion of telling Dumbledore everything would have raised a red flag, whether Remus thought that Harry was dreaming or not -- especially with the wording used. ("People I love" being the main thing. He doesn't even KNOW many of them yet... Not Sirius, not Tonks, not any of the order members... If he'd been getting the information in dreams, the connection wouldn't be strong enough to have triggered that sort of a response, nor would it have been in those words.)

The early Lupin is a tough nut to believably crack. He's also very sharp. I'd almost say that you could include some facial expressions (looking surprised at the swearing, speculative later on... what have you) and be better off.

I'm not sure what else you could tweak without redoing large portions of the scene.

[flingslass.livejournal.com]

I'm reading HP and the PS. My first HP. I'll try and get through a couple more of the books and then we're going to give BAH a whirl :D Welcome back!

[maevebran.livejournal.com]

Very nicely done. You have seemed to resolved your Remus issues nicely. I did particularly like the way you had the map lable Quirell and Voldemort.

[jedibuttercup]

So what did you think about the other reviewers' concerns? Does Remus give in too easily? Should he be more suspicious of Harry, and so on?

[maevebran.livejournal.com]

I think that if Remus didn't gtive in when he did you'd have to drag it out for another chapter and I don't see you doing that. I don't think it is in Remus' nature at that point to be too suspicious. Wary yes suspicious no.