BETA NEEDED PRONTO, PLZ

[jedibuttercup]

*bursting into tears*

It's done. It's done! 3,900 words representing the next (but not, alas, the last) chapter of backagainharry. You have no idea how many times I've rewritten this segment; I knew how it had to start, and how it had to end, but trying to keep the character voices in character--!!! (I'm quite out of love with Remus Lupin now).

I swore off LiveJournal until I got it done, but now it is, nearly a month after I promised it, so--

Anyone want to read it over for me, give critical commentary? I fear I've lost all perspective after this much editing. (Just drop me a comment, and I'll send you the sekrit link).

Thank you. Much love and apologies!
~

Comments

[jedibuttercup]

I would really appreciate any commentary you might have. =)

My concern is not so much for spelling and grammar, it's characterisation and whether the plot is moving smoothly enough and so on. Let me know what you think!

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

[lily317.livejournal.com]

So! After reading this about 4 times, I have quite a lot of things to say ^^ :

Well, I was surprised about Remus' "dreams", it is a great idea, because that way he knows a lot, but not everything… right? ^^ If he has those because Harry used the Resurrection Stone, it could also mean that Sirius has dreams as well... I'm very curious to know where these really came from... ^^
I also like the idea of Harry realising that Remus doesn't deserve to be treated like a mere "instrument" to free Sirius, that he had had his fair share of suffering and pain for all these years as well. It’s so true, people tend to forget about Remus, poor him… :(

The main criticism I might have is that I find Remus incredibly accepting as to Harry's behaviour.
Even if Harry did have those "dreams" as Remus thinks, and even if he was a genius, there's no way 11-year-old-Harry would have enough maturity or even knowledge of the wizarding world to understand everything he saw, analyse the situation better than Remus (not-so-perfect Dumbledore, not-so-safe at the Dursleys, the whole Fidelius/Secret Keeper thing...) and convince Remus to NOT tell Dumbledore, who is the one everyone admires and trusts to do the right thing. Doesn’t Remus find it strange?
After all, at that time Harry is supposed to barely know what magic is, and he already uses "Accio", a fourth-year spell, without Remus suspecting anything.

Also, there’s a big contrast between Harry in the past chapters, in which he always acted so cautiously, planned his next steps very carefully, and Harry in this chapter, blurting out everything to Remus, from the Prophecy to Voldemort’s comeback, Dumbledore getting cursed… It is rather unsettling, but I suppose Harry put himself under so much pressure he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore and began panicking, but it does feel rather sudden (even though apparently Remus already knew all about it).

And of course, the scene with the Marauder's Map was great XD, and the ending is as frustrating as you certainly planned it to be ^^

Anyway, it is great to hear from you again, we finally know what the ambiguous "What have you done?" is all about, more mysteries come up with these weird dreams, a new much-needed-ally for Harry appears, all in all, very exciting chapter ^^ (sorry it was so long! ^_^")

[jedibuttercup]

Your criticism bit in the middle--

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I had such a hard time writing this chapter. Trying to balance the early, very buttoned down, nonreactive Remus (he hardly even raised his voice until the Shrieking Shack show-down, and never told Harry anything) with the very emotional person he was by Deathly Hallows. Trying to work out how much he knows versus how much he's dreamt. Since Harry was already very impatient and in a high emotional state when they ran into each other, I had to factor that in, too.

Maybe I can wedge in a few more hundred words about how Harry's reacting to "hey, he actually knows some of this, I'm not alone!" and some of the "a bit skeptical, but willing to let this play out" attitude from Remus-- because this is the Remus who was willing to let "serial killer Sirius Black" roam the castle for an entire year despite knowing perfectly well how he was getting in, without telling Dumbledore a thing.

(There'll be more fall-out from Remus at the beginning of the next chapter over some of the things Harry blurted that he hadn't fully processed by the cliff-hanger moment, though, definitely. And the dream thing has much more purpose than just getting Remus on his side, too.)

*tapping chin thoughtfully* Thanks for the criticism, I really appreciate it.

[jedibuttercup]

Okay, I've tweaked and expanded it a tiny bit, mostly starting where Remus mentions the dreams.

I put some of Harry's blather into thoughts instead of speech, and tried to make Remus a little less-- totally accepting. If you have a second, could you check it and let me know what you think of the alteration?

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt