BETA NEEDED PRONTO, PLZ

[jedibuttercup]

*bursting into tears*

It's done. It's done! 3,900 words representing the next (but not, alas, the last) chapter of backagainharry. You have no idea how many times I've rewritten this segment; I knew how it had to start, and how it had to end, but trying to keep the character voices in character--!!! (I'm quite out of love with Remus Lupin now).

I swore off LiveJournal until I got it done, but now it is, nearly a month after I promised it, so--

Anyone want to read it over for me, give critical commentary? I fear I've lost all perspective after this much editing. (Just drop me a comment, and I'll send you the sekrit link).

Thank you. Much love and apologies!
~

Comments

[brendanm720.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm.

The sticking point -- "B" -- is a doozy.

I'm not sure what you MEANT it to look like, but as I said before, it looks like Lupin has been thinking some of the same things as Harry when it comes to the whole James/Lily secret keeper thing.

And I think that the way he reacted to Remus' suggestion of telling Dumbledore everything would have raised a red flag, whether Remus thought that Harry was dreaming or not -- especially with the wording used. ("People I love" being the main thing. He doesn't even KNOW many of them yet... Not Sirius, not Tonks, not any of the order members... If he'd been getting the information in dreams, the connection wouldn't be strong enough to have triggered that sort of a response, nor would it have been in those words.)

The early Lupin is a tough nut to believably crack. He's also very sharp. I'd almost say that you could include some facial expressions (looking surprised at the swearing, speculative later on... what have you) and be better off.

I'm not sure what else you could tweak without redoing large portions of the scene.