BETA NEEDED PRONTO, PLZ

[jedibuttercup]

*bursting into tears*

It's done. It's done! 3,900 words representing the next (but not, alas, the last) chapter of backagainharry. You have no idea how many times I've rewritten this segment; I knew how it had to start, and how it had to end, but trying to keep the character voices in character--!!! (I'm quite out of love with Remus Lupin now).

I swore off LiveJournal until I got it done, but now it is, nearly a month after I promised it, so--

Anyone want to read it over for me, give critical commentary? I fear I've lost all perspective after this much editing. (Just drop me a comment, and I'll send you the sekrit link).

Thank you. Much love and apologies!
~

Comments

Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

Might as well put my latest re-read of the whole series to use, grin!

Funnily JK Rowling complained several times about haviung trouble keeping Dumbledore in line!

Re: Happy to help

[jedibuttercup]

Here you go:

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

You might have to copy and paste it into a text program like Word, but there it is. Thank you! =)

Re: Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

You have got Lupin's voice very right given how little source material there is in original. It's why I won't touch most Lupin (or Snape) fanfic - most people don't "get" the character and go in directions that feel all wrong based on canon.

The Harry outburst needs tighening up some how. It just feels too long and somehow out of character. (I have spent my morning reading all of BAH to get the feel of what you were doing as opposed to what JKR was doing.)

But the chapter flows smoothly on from the previous chapters and apart from feeling that somehow *Harry* has drifted off channel a little with the break you've had in writing, it sits well.

Like I say you are brave to tackle Lupin and not surprising you hae ended up not liking him much at the moment!

Re: Happy to help

[jedibuttercup]

I tweaked it just a little bit on lily317's criticism of the same portion, shifting some of the blurting over to thought and more fully explaining some of Harry's thought processes and Remus' being so accepting.

If you have a second to look at the changes-- it's really mostly the part after where the dreams are brought up and before the twins burst in-- and let me know what you think? I'd appreciate it.

http://www.jedibuttercup.com/misc/bah_11.txt

Re: Happy to help

[anabels.livejournal.com]

That is a bit better

On a first thought, you still need to strengthen that paragrapgh about security. Perhaps put in some description of Remus' expression or body language, to make it clear that this is an issue that causes him to doubt his trust in Dumbledore and that Harry's comments enhance this existing doubt. Also so comment from Remus that would explain *why* the motivations for his action in Book 3 in not going to Dumbledore. We have what JKR gives us - not wanting to break Dumbledore's trust but you also need to give a loyalty/doubt here.

I will keep thinking about it overnight. See if my dreaming brain can come up with anything!