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lessermensaga. Now that I'm almost done, I feel the sudden urge to tell y'all why I really picked NLB in particular of the half-dozen WIPs on my list to finish first, other than my own sheer bloody-minded desire not to be a quitter and the fact that it was the oldest. Which make for great excuses, but are only maybe half of the truth.
The rest of the answer? To prove something to myself.
Because ever since my first rush of steam onbackagainharry slacked off and I started thinking about it more deeply and noticing the tenor of the reviews, I've generally reacted to every attempt to sit down and write more with a touch of existential horror: a generalized what have I done? and how much will it take from me before I can exorcise it? sort of reaction. I realize that's entirely illogical, and in some part a function of my fundamental tendency to panic when in a crowd, but that doesn't stop it from happening.
(Seriously: the panic? It's a kneejerk reaction, not something I can control. Believe me, I've tried. More than once I've caught myself going light-headed and spotty-visioned in an overly crowded venue with no clearly delineated escape routes, with very little warning; the only thing that seems to help once I start to notice is fresh, moving air on my face, but lack of same makes it so much worse. Witness the times I nearly keeled over in a Christian Kane concert [multiple!] and had to beeline for a chair on the sidelines in a hurry; and the time I did full-on pass out on the stage at my brother's wedding. Ugh, so embarrassing. It fortunately almost never translates to online spaces, but after the Dark Lord Potter site turned a spotlight and an army of opinionated reviewers on BAH? Yeah, that did it.)
So I thought about that, and asked myself, what was the one story in my back catalogue that I'd been even more tempted to slap an "abandoned" label on than BAH? "Never Look Back" -- though in its case, mostly because I had only realized halfway through writing it exactly how byzantine a plot structure I'd set up and exactly how much work it was going to take to keep all the wheels spinning and the gears meshing through the second half, and backed away from the skeleton of its outline in dismayed bewilderment. In 2006.
And then I told myself: IF I CAN FINISH NLB, I CAN FINISH ANYTHING, EVEN BAH. Because seriously? BAH is much, much simpler; only one rock being dropped in the pond, however complicated the ripples-- and only one POV, not f$cking seventeen of them. The thing holding me back on BAH is an entirely different and much less logical type of challenge than expletives-deleted NLB.
So: to do something hard, I set myself to do something harder first, to make it look easy.
So how'd I do? You tell me. In 2014, I hadn't written a word of NLB in 7½ years; I added five chapters, totaling 14,500 words. And in 2015, so far, I've finished six more chapters, totaling 18,400 words. Almost a year and a half after I set the goal, I'm almost, finally, only three parts away from getting it done, and feeling much less stressed about the prospect of picking up BAH. Heh. :)
That may not seem like much compared to, say, the Falling Skies story I channeled all in one burning 43,500 word go last year; but compared to the weight of what it seemed to ask of me? Feels like I'm finally near the top of a mountain I've been climbing for ages.
... This message brought to you by belated self-analysis and the desire to thank readers of non-Buffyverse fandoms for their continued patience while I finish my ancient, first-fanfic-epic vanity project. :)
lessermensaga. Now that I'm almost done, I feel the sudden urge to tell y'all why I really picked NLB in particular of the half-dozen WIPs on my list to finish first, other than my own sheer bloody-minded desire not to be a quitter and the fact that it was the oldest. Which make for great excuses, but are only maybe half of the truth.The rest of the answer? To prove something to myself.
Because ever since my first rush of steam on
backagainharry slacked off and I started thinking about it more deeply and noticing the tenor of the reviews, I've generally reacted to every attempt to sit down and write more with a touch of existential horror: a generalized what have I done? and how much will it take from me before I can exorcise it? sort of reaction. I realize that's entirely illogical, and in some part a function of my fundamental tendency to panic when in a crowd, but that doesn't stop it from happening.(Seriously: the panic? It's a kneejerk reaction, not something I can control. Believe me, I've tried. More than once I've caught myself going light-headed and spotty-visioned in an overly crowded venue with no clearly delineated escape routes, with very little warning; the only thing that seems to help once I start to notice is fresh, moving air on my face, but lack of same makes it so much worse. Witness the times I nearly keeled over in a Christian Kane concert [multiple!] and had to beeline for a chair on the sidelines in a hurry; and the time I did full-on pass out on the stage at my brother's wedding. Ugh, so embarrassing. It fortunately almost never translates to online spaces, but after the Dark Lord Potter site turned a spotlight and an army of opinionated reviewers on BAH? Yeah, that did it.)
So I thought about that, and asked myself, what was the one story in my back catalogue that I'd been even more tempted to slap an "abandoned" label on than BAH? "Never Look Back" -- though in its case, mostly because I had only realized halfway through writing it exactly how byzantine a plot structure I'd set up and exactly how much work it was going to take to keep all the wheels spinning and the gears meshing through the second half, and backed away from the skeleton of its outline in dismayed bewilderment. In 2006.
And then I told myself: IF I CAN FINISH NLB, I CAN FINISH ANYTHING, EVEN BAH. Because seriously? BAH is much, much simpler; only one rock being dropped in the pond, however complicated the ripples-- and only one POV, not f$cking seventeen of them. The thing holding me back on BAH is an entirely different and much less logical type of challenge than expletives-deleted NLB.
So: to do something hard, I set myself to do something harder first, to make it look easy.
So how'd I do? You tell me. In 2014, I hadn't written a word of NLB in 7½ years; I added five chapters, totaling 14,500 words. And in 2015, so far, I've finished six more chapters, totaling 18,400 words. Almost a year and a half after I set the goal, I'm almost, finally, only three parts away from getting it done, and feeling much less stressed about the prospect of picking up BAH. Heh. :)
That may not seem like much compared to, say, the Falling Skies story I channeled all in one burning 43,500 word go last year; but compared to the weight of what it seemed to ask of me? Feels like I'm finally near the top of a mountain I've been climbing for ages.
... This message brought to you by belated self-analysis and the desire to thank readers of non-Buffyverse fandoms for their continued patience while I finish my ancient, first-fanfic-epic vanity project. :)
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no subject
Date: 2015-07-25 12:37 am (UTC)Lastly, go you for sticking it out and working to complete this story! You could have tossed aside that proverbial millstone with no one thinking less of you; instead, you've hauled it up a mountain, stuck it on the peak and planted alpine flowers in the eye of the stone. I hope I can eventually follow your example with my own unfinished projects.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 08:21 pm (UTC)It was either start finishing my significant WIPs or have them nagging guiltily at me forever ... and I'd prefer to clear as much of that out of my life as possible. I don't want to live with regrets. That's a lot more important to me, the last year or two.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 09:01 pm (UTC)The world would be a much better, happier place if we could all do that! As for the facepalming, that happens to every artist/author I've ever heard tell of, most especially the good ones, or so it seems, so you're in good company. There are always going to be things that you would tweak here or there when you go back and look at a project, whether it's a story or a piece of art otherwise. Looking at what I've read of your body of work, I'd personally say that you've got one helluva lot more to be proud of than to facepalm over. And I'm a nitpicky old broad.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-25 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-25 02:46 am (UTC)Many kudos and points to you!
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Date: 2015-07-26 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 11:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-25 03:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-25 12:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 03:23 am (UTC)If it helps you find the strength to break through mental barriers about other writing, awesome.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-26 08:24 pm (UTC)