RIP DPS: November 4, 1981 - February 16, 2008

[jedibuttercup]

One of the most wrenching things about grief, I think, is this feeling of not being able to breathe.

I don't think about it most of the time at work, and I was able to laugh at the Simon & Ryan Show as usual last night (they're ever-so-much-funnier if you picture them as that category of best-friend fourth-grade boys who regularly get into arguments along the lines of: "You're stupid!" / "No you're stupider!" / "Well, you're a poo-head!" / "You're a caca-doodoo!", etc.).

And yet. I keep catching myself feeling a little dizzy, like there's a heavy weight on my chest, and my eyes keep stinging, even when I'm not really thinking about it.

It's not like he was, you know, one of my blood-family, and I'd only seen him intermittently for the last few years, but that shared history of the same church and the same school system and joint dual-family events (including regular Christmas Eve gift exchanges) over seventeen or eighteen years-- he was part of the background foundation of my world. When we threw the open house for him and his wife after he came back from Korea, one of the first things I did was corner him and tell him all about my brother's latest romantic adventures-- partly to give him new teasing material, and partly because I expected my brother's probably-girlfriend would end up being a pseudo-sibling of his in the long run, too.

I'm going to drop by his parents' house tonight on my way over to Mom's for Thursday dinner, just to offer hugs and flowers (the potted kind, so they don't wilt along with the rest of the condolence gifts in a week's time). I don't expect to have much to say. In fact, I pretty much expect to lose it after a few minutes and bawl on his mother's shoulder and make incoherent awkward excuses to leave and drive up the street to Mom's. The Memorial Service on Saturday is going to be even worse.

At least the Army chaplain's come through: Mom jumped through all the military hoops on behalf of D--'s parents on Monday to make sure the Reserves office wasn't going to report him AWOL, and to make sure there'd be a flag offered to his wife at the Memorial Service. The Army's going to give her some money to take care of immediate bills since (with no body) the life insurance payments will be delayed, and expedite the visa issues so she won't have to worry about getting ejected from the country. Thank God.

Sometime after the service-- and probably after my brother returns-- I'm going to borrow the probably-girlfriend (the question should be decided by then, once they've finally met in person) and take D--'s wife out to lunch, or tea, or something. She's terribly cut off here, since all her personal friends are in Korea and all her family in the Philippines, and Mom thinks it would be a big help for her, emotionally, if she had connections outside of D--'s family. I don't think I could handle doing it alone-- I'm naturally reserved with people I don't know well, and it'll be worse with this tragedy hanging in the air-- but with my possibly-future-sister along, we should be able to keep things from getting counter-productively awkward. I hope.

Would it be too much, do you think, if I dug around in my photo albums for pix of D-- to take along with the potted flowers when I drop by his parents' house tonight?
~

Comments

[ignavus.livejournal.com]

Would it be too much, do you think, if I dug around in my photo albums for pix of D-- to take along with the potted flowers when I drop by his parents' house tonight?

Do it. I can't even begin to describe how much that helps.

[jedibuttercup]

Thanks for the advice. I did. His wife even smiled at them, a little; it was totally worth it.

[butterflykiki.livejournal.com]

I think it would be a nice thing to do, actually. *hugs for you and his family* But someone else might have a more informed viewpoint on that.

I'm very glad his wife won't be getting deported any time soon, and I think taking her out with the sorta-girlfriend is a good idea, too.

[jedibuttercup]

Thank you.

I have almost nothing but D-- in common with the poor girl, but she's very sweet; and she's so very grateful for any attention just for her, since most of the visitors are all about D--'s parents. I can't help but feel for her.

[almond423.livejournal.com]

I lost my dad in December, and we had a display of favorite photos that we had, and that some of the extended family brought to share. I got several comments about how good it made people feel to see him during happy and loving times. When we were going through the pic to choose those to display, there were tears, but a lot of laughter too.

[jedibuttercup]

Yeah. They'd already picked the ones to display in the memorial, and D--'s mom had duplicates of half the ones I brought over tonight from when I shared them around years ago, but-- I brought them for his wife, not his Mom. And it turned out I had one she'd never seen, that got a smile. The visit hurt, but I'm so glad I went.

[beatrice_otter]

This sort of thing gets talked about in seminary. Here's what they teach us: You don't have to say anything. In fact, there isn't anything you can say. What you need to do is be there, with them. Bring pictures. Talk about D. It will be uncomfortable and painful, but the worst thing you can do is try to escape or short-circuit the process to make it feel better right now. That'll just make it worse later on.

[jedibuttercup]

Yeah. S'why I went; I didn't want to, but I couldn't not. I think it'll mean more next week, though, when the extended family has all flown home. I really want to get R-- out of their room for awhile; she's been doing nothing much but sleep and cry for days.

My brother was going to try to get leave early to be there for the memorial service, but D--'s mom told him no, that was okay; she already knows he loved D--, and she wants to be clear-headed enough to welcome him back on his own merits and not because he's the "other son" still in the military.

*wiping at eyes*

[empressvesica.livejournal.com]

*hugs*hugs*hugs*

Not too much at all.

And it seems so stupid and trite but time...it all takes time. That feeling of "Oh! OH MY!" every time you remember does fade but yeah...

I still find myself teary every now and again about a high school friend who died very suddenly 11 years ago.

[jedibuttercup]

Thank you.

Yeah. It just doesn't seem real. I opened the phonebook on my cell today to find Dad's number which I can never remember, and there was D--'s, programmed in right under it; and I thought, I'll never get a call from that number again...

But I couldn't delete it. Not yet.

[kerravonsen]

{hugs}

to make sure the Reserves office wasn't going to report him AWOL

(!!!)

and expedite the visa issues so she won't have to worry about getting ejected from the country.

Oh good, I was concerned for her.

[jedibuttercup]

> to make sure the Reserves office wasn't going to report him AWOL
> (!!!)

Yeah. Because-- according to the rude military casualty officer she talked to before the much nicer chaplain-- no matter what the civilian authorities said, D-- wasn't dead until the military said he was. *shudder*

> and expedite the visa issues so she won't have to worry about getting ejected from the country.
> Oh good, I was concerned for her.

Me, too. Not that D--'s parents weren't going to fight for her anyway, but... I can't imagine, being widowed in a foreign country at that age with no connections but the husband's family and a very shaky legal status.

[catherinecookmn.livejournal.com]

What everyone else has said so far. ((((hug))))

[jedibuttercup]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[flingslass.livejournal.com]

The photos are a beautiful thought. As some of the others have said, you don't need to say anything, just be there. It's alright to laugh at a TV show, he would want that, wouldn't he? I have great comfort that the night before my Dad passed away he heard me and my Mum laughing at Kath and Kim (aussie comedy)
Hugs and thoughts are with you.

[not-purrrfect.livejournal.com]

Holey crap Hon!

I had no idea what so ever. God I'm so sorry.


(((((((((((((((((((jedi))))))))))))))))))))

♥ ♥ ♥

I'm sorry for being so selfish and snotty. Can you ever forgive me?