jedibuttercup | Fic: An Uncluttered Sky (Firefly, Book's Legacy, 4/?)

So many great lines in this chapter!!!

"The Slayer Slays while her Watcher Watches," his mei-mei's voice interrupted him sharply, "but Inara's not mine, and there's nothing here to Slay."

Mal let the smile fade off his face and leaned forward on his elbows, emphasizing his next words in his best Stern Captain Voice. "No, son. I'm just sayin' it might've been nice to hear about the change in sleepin' quarters from the pair of you direct. Captain needs to know where to find his crew at all times, which shouldn't include the doctor's sis turnin' up in his bed complainin' of loneliness."

Could Mal have put that last bit any worse???

Fantastic chapter, honey. More soon?

> Could Mal have put that last bit any worse???

I put great thought in how to word that. =) I'm having great fun trying to sneak these humorous bits in while keeping the story generally on a serious course.

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I never mind being friended. =)

I appreciate the praise; my intent in this story is to keep it sounding as much like the show/movie as possible, and I'm glad it's working!

I'm amazed. There are subtle touches here that capture Mal's voice I just didn't notice before. His intelligence, for one--you use ain't in conjunction or near juxtaposition with words like 'aerate' all while describing the most bland of injures--a stab wound. It's amazing!

Also, now that all the crew are finally awake, you've really come out swinging with their characterizations. Particularly Simon, where Mal is teasing him (whereby I nearly laughed so hard I spilled my own drink down my front). It's hard to write Simon because most boil him down to prissy or embarrassed most of the time, but he has his sticking points, too, things he won't back down from, and I love love love that he looks Mal in the eye and doesn't try to pretend or lie when Mal confronts him.

Jayne is brief but fantastic, I'd like to see more of him. River was too vague in her appearance for me to know just yet how I like your rendition of her, but Kaylee was pretty spot-on, spunky and cute but human just the same.

I only take issue with Zoe at the end a bit. I don't disagree that she wouldn't be practical about the sleeping situations, but it also seems to me like she might be giving up too much of Wash and her too soon--there's smells in that room she'll lose if other people move into it, and smell being so powerful a sense, I dunno that Zoe would want to lose it any faster. And Simon and Kaylee have nothing to say about the assumptions they'll need a bed together for a long time? They're cool with just jumping into 'you and me forever and ever' already when they were sneaking into the kitchen a few minutes before? And moving into Wash's space isn't...creepy in a little? Just a few questions to think about, would love to hear your answer.

And cannot WAIT for Mal's confrontation with Inara.

Sorry, forgot to log in :)

I liked it so much I forgot!

I'm a bit behind on my comments; hope LJ's actually sending them!

> I'm amazed. There are subtle touches here that capture Mal's voice I just didn't notice before. His intelligence, for one--you use ain't in conjunction or near juxtaposition with words like 'aerate' all while describing the most bland of injures--a stab wound. It's amazing!

I think a lot of writers dumb Mal down a bit due to his countrified speech-- but he really is a bright guy.

> It's hard to write Simon because most boil him down to prissy or embarrassed most of the time, but he has his sticking points, too, things he won't back down from, and I love love love that he looks Mal in the eye and doesn't try to pretend or lie when Mal confronts him.

Agreed. He's a little past the 'I would never, not with Kaylee' stage by this point. *grin*

> I only take issue with Zoe at the end a bit. I don't disagree that she wouldn't be practical about the sleeping situations, but it also seems to me like she might be giving up too much of Wash and her too soon--there's smells in that room she'll lose if other people move into it, and smell being so powerful a sense, I dunno that Zoe would want to lose it any faster. And Simon and Kaylee have nothing to say about the assumptions they'll need a bed together for a long time? They're cool with just jumping into 'you and me forever and ever' already when they were sneaking into the kitchen a few minutes before? And moving into Wash's space isn't...creepy in a little? Just a few questions to think about, would love to hear your answer.

It's not that Simon and Kaylee have nothing to say about moving in together-- just that they didn't want to address it there in front of everyone else. Something to talk about together-- and which Mal corners the boy about in Ch. 7!

As for Zoe... well, everyone grieves in different ways. My take on it is, after a few weeks the sense of his presence in the room has faded enough that she's feeling his absence more than anything, so she's packing things away 'til it won't hurt so much to look at them anymore. She's not saying she's ready to jump into anyone else's bed, just that she's the practical sort and holding on to that room when it (1) could be used by others and (2) makes it harder on her to do her job doesn't make sense anymore.

Hope that makes sense to you.

I agree: Mal's narrative voice is spot on and you've captured the others' voices well in the dialogue. The breakfast scene made me laugh aloud because it was played just right.

I'm glad you're expanding the chapters in this now so that the pacing and structure are less cramped. You've built up the tension before the first Mal/Inara scene wonderfully, so that now I'm impatient to see what happens. I'll be reccing this to anyone who is happy to read WIPs.

Sorry my comments are late! I hope LJ's not eating them anymore.

I appreciate the praise; it's always good to here what I'm getting right, and what I still need to work on.

> I'll be reccing this to anyone who is happy to read WIPs.

I appreciate this, very much. Thank you!

Another thoughtful and engaging chapter!

You are handling the crew and their dynamic with skill. Ensemble scenes tend to shortchange one or two of the characters in order to get the conversation where it needs to go, but not yours.

My take on Mal assuming that Kaylee and Simon will be bunking together permanently is this- Mal is clever when it comes to people but he has blind spots too. The fact that he mentioned how long Kaylee pined after Simon was plain dim. Getting and keeping are two different things. Kaylee is kinda the under-dog in this relationship and he shouldn't be pointing that out. Wishful thinking and his desire for everything to be neat and tidy, makes him decide that Kaylee and Simon are a done deal. I thought the fact that neither said anything to deny his assumption was just natural.

This is going SO well. All your nuance and skill is not going unappreciated.

Sorry I've taken so long to reply. =)

> My take on Mal assuming that Kaylee and Simon will be bunking together permanently is this- Mal is clever when it comes to people but he has blind spots too. The fact that he mentioned how long Kaylee pined after Simon was plain dim. Getting and keeping are two different things. Kaylee is kinda the under-dog in this relationship and he shouldn't be pointing that out. Wishful thinking and his desire for everything to be neat and tidy, makes him decide that Kaylee and Simon are a done deal.

True. Mal does have more to say on the subject in private-- see Chapter 7-- but he was possessed of a mischeivous mood here, and let his mouth run away with him, I think. He does want the happily-ever-after for Kaylee, but can't resist poking at her a little, which is the kind of thing that often gets him in trouble (esp. with Inara).

> I thought the fact that neither said anything to deny his assumption was just natural.

Thank you.

> This is going SO well. All your nuance and skill is not going unappreciated.

I appreciate the vote of confidence; reviews like this are why I keep writing. =)

*squee* This was absolutely delightful! All of it!

Mal deciding what to wear - *loves Mal* I can just picture him doing this. And it's so Mal.

The conversation at breakfast with Simon and Kaylee - I just about died laughing!

River's Slayer comments - as I've said before, I can't wait to see where you take this storyline.

Zoe - *hugs Zoe* and *hugs Mal for being so understanding*

And once more the voices of the character is perfect, as is your narration.

> Mal deciding what to wear - *loves Mal* I can just picture him doing this. And it's so Mal.

Yeah, when I wrote this I was thinking about that cute moment of self-consciousness in "Our Mrs. Reynolds", when he's talking to Saffron, and is all concerned about -- "Is there blubber?" Hee.

> The conversation at breakfast with Simon and Kaylee - I just about died laughing!

I had a lot of fun putting that humorous moment into the story!

> River's Slayer comments - as I've said before, I can't wait to see where you take this storyline.

I hope it doesn't disappoint.

> Zoe - *hugs Zoe* and *hugs Mal for being so understanding* And once more the voices of the character is perfect, as is your narration.

Thank you. I really appreciate your comments!

This is just wonderfully done! Nice focus on the whole crew here...and Zoe's decision makes a lot of sense. It's sort of nice to see some changes - life moves on and all...

Jubal Early, I think. Also, extra points for use of the word "ablutions." How awesome are YOU?!!

Mal's suspenders are love. Also, the fact that this is a Buffy crossover? It's like putting two of my favorite things together. My heart might explode.

Hmm ... I seem to remember seeing a torched Whitefall in Serenity. I think the Operative made sure Patience was as dead as the rest. Which is sad, really, because I fucking love Patience.

"River what?" Simon yelped, going from defensive boyfriend to protective brother in the blink of an eye.

The way you write Simon is fucking perfect. And if anyone loves Simon more than I do, LET THEM STAND NOW, BECAUSE I WILL BE TALLER.

Zoe needs a hug. And her fucking, fucking husband back. *angst*

Fic: An Uncluttered Sky (Firefly, Book's Legacy, 4/?)

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